fiftysix

Ring, klocka, ring i bistra nyårsnatten
mot rymdens norrskenssky och markens snö;
det gamla året lägger sig att dö...
Ring själaringning över land och vatten!

Ring in det nya och ring ut det gamla
i årets första, skälvande minut.
Ring lögnens makt från världens gränser ut,
och ring in sanningens till oss som famla.

Ring våra tankar ut ur sorgens häkten,
och ring hugsvalelse till sargad barm.
Ring hatet ut emellan rik och arm
och ring försoning in till jordens släkten.

Ring ut vad dödsdömt räknar sina dagar
och forngestaltningar av split och kiv.
Ring in ett ädlare, ett högre liv
med bättre syften, mera rena lagar.

Ring ut bekymren, sorgerna och nöden,
och ring den frusna tiden åter varm.
Ring ut till tystnad diktens gatularm,
men ring till sångarhjärtan skaparglöden.

Ring ut den stolthet, som blott räknar anor,
förtalets lömskhet, avundens försåt.
Ring in det rätta på triumfens stråt,
och ring till seger mänsklighetens fanor.

Ring, klocka, ring... och seklets krankhet vike;
det dagas, släktet fram i styrka går!
Ring ut, ring ut de tusen krigens år,
ring in den tusenåra fredens rike!

/Orginaltext av Alfred Lord Tennyson, Oversattning till svenska av Edvard Fredin


This is the poem Ring Out, Wild Bells translated in to Swedish.
It's always read on TV at 12 o clock on New Years Eve. I always liked it.
I took out the last verse here - partly because it mentions Messias in a way that I don't belive in and also because that is the way it's read on TV and it's the way I have always heard it.

Happy New Year!
Athbhliain faoi Mhaise Daoibh! (Irish)
Gott Nytt Ar! (Swedish)
Feliz Ano Nuevo! (Spanish)


Trying to memorise them now :)

xh

fiftyfive

I am sorry but I forgot to bring my camera again.
I went to my Christmas lunch with work yesterday at one o clock - we had food and drink and by 7 o clock I was drunk as a skunk and went home in a taxi - fell asleep immedietly and woke up at one because I had to pee... Took me an hour to fall asleep again.
The usual suspects were apparently out until about 2 o clock so I'm very happy I went home early because the people who stayed out don't look too well today :)

Anyway I got more sleep than I have had in a long time and feel very rested and happy today :)

I'm getting the last two Christmas presents today I hope... If I make it to a certain shop before they close. Then I'm heading to Jo Burger tonight for dinner with some friends and I might go dowm to Andrews Lane (Trashed+Antics=buzzbuzz) later for a dancing party party...



So probably not going to update this until after Christmas so:

Nollaig Shona Daoibh

xh

fiftyfour

I will put up the picture of the painting that goes with this tomorrow because I forgot my camera today. Anyway, read and tell me what ya think...



This is a love letter

Hey
Check me out and hear my words that flies
like notes around the place
My million dollar smile my
long legs and my fading summer freckles check it
Hey hey HEY!
Look at me! Check me out I have
angle curls in my hair
My freedom hair

I am a burning exclamation mark

smooth white skin I have
blue eyes I have
the best sense of humour and blood on my
lips I have
blisters from my kick ass attitude I have
fancy clothes and
dead serious moments behind
retro sunglasses
or a laugh in every octave
if that’s what makes you tick

a half full bed and a way
of bumping in to doors or falling of chairs
that most people don’t really get

I have cards up my sleeves and thousands of dreams
you can have some if you want

If you want
I’m not so good at cleaning
I drink wine too often and I smoke too
much I can’t really tell right from wrong
or truth from lies but

I can play two songs on the piano and
I can sing in the shower I am not afraid to take some risks
I know how to walk through a room
and make it look like I don’t notice

how everyone is looking

I can pretend that I’m not scared or
tell you that I am and let you hold me
I am warm at night

My handwriting is pretty and I have to make things even and

I will make love to you
and yell with you and breathe with you at night
share the air

in and out

I will love you until
I break until it hurts
and you get red marks

from me

when I am angry I will want your blood
but I will settle for your hunger
and you will eat until you’re full

I have young breasts and good taste in music
a cigarette in my mouth and a drink
in my hand I have an
old key I got at this market in a chain around my neck

I will never ask for diamonds
I have the word sex carved in capital letters
in the angles between my ribs and soul

I have hungry fingers
burning lips
moaning eyes

Check it out,
Don’t you want me?

/Hannah

fiftythree

I wrote a "poem" or whatever the other day but I don't know if I should put it up - I'm scared someone will criticise me and I'm scared that no one will comment because that would mean they don't like it... Scary!

I don't know... Does anyone want to read it?

In that case it will be published here in combination with the latest painting I made - still have to finish the last details though.

What do you think?

fiftytwo

I forgot about Lucia! I can't believe I forgot!

One of my favourite celebrations ever and I forgot... I'm turning Irish.

fiftyone

so I've sucked at bloging and at being social lately but it's only because first I was in hospital (I'm ok though) and then I was home sick.
Now I'm on antibiotics and back in work so everything is much better :)

I wrote a poem today... I worked as well but I felt so inspired and couldn't wait for tonight because then it might have been forgotten.

Biggest concerns at the moment is all the Christmas shopping I have to do.
I find it hard to get into the Christmas spirit too - I mean I haven't seen snow in 2 years! I just wish we could get a bit of snow for like a week so we could have a snowball fight and make a snowman and other cheesy stuff like that.

...kiss under an old lamp while the snow gently falls around us...



Mmm trailed of a bit there...


Anyhow I have bought 2 Christmas presents. The most expensive ones and now I have to get everything else... what do I get for Alex's dad? - and for my sister and her husband?

I'm getting some stuff for Alex and some cards and wrapping paper today... :)

Merry Christmas or whatever

fifty

The information day at Griffith was pretty good. I sat down with one of the teachers who told me more about what all the different classes are about. He took some examples of things they get to do and told me I would have enough social studies included in the course and it wont be necessary to take any extra ones. So that is good.
He also reassured me that I wont have any problems with not being born Irish because most examples they take from society are fictional (like they would use Springfield as an example) and other than that everyone needs to do research.

He actually thought that most students from Sweden have it a bit easier with certain things because in upper secondary school we get to learn how to put in references in our essays and how to write an essay the correct way etc.
Then we learn basic IT stuff like power point and excel in school and they don't get to do that at all here apparently!

Anyway I left feeling more sure than ever that this is going to be really really hard but above all it's the right thing to do for me and I am going to love it! :)

Can't wait for it!


Using my brain again! It's going to be great...

haha in like a year and a half I'm going to read this and go "What was I thinking??? I don't ever want to use my brain again!!!"

Well... hopefully not...

xh

fortynine

So I got in to Griffith College. I'm going there tomorrow for an open day and I'll be able to ask all my questions and hopefully feel a bit wiser on everything afterwards.
I have a lot of thoughts about studying and this is what I think...

I am really looking forward to starting college. I hope I picked the right thing for me to do. Journalism and Visual Media.
It basically means that I will be able to combine photography and writing and then when I start my career I can choose to do a bit of both or focus on what feels right at the time. I have three years to try it out so I should be able to make up my mind by then.
I might take some extra classes in other things once I’ve finished this degree though. If I still feel like studying I might do a minor in social psychology and/or behavioural psychology.
It interests me a lot and I think it could really help when working as a Journalist. Also I really need to get better at History and Geography… I totally didn’t care back in school and mostly know about the history of fascist movements – mostly in Sweden – and that’s not even up to date so it wouldn’t really help me here.
It might be enough to get some books on it and read on my own – I don’t think I really need a diploma in it. I should wish for that for Christmas. Maybe an atlas and some sort of summary of modern history for a start… a book that tells history globally and with an overview.
In school we always read about either one country at the time or one war at the time – which to me felt so out of context. It made it hard to grasp and understand why and how things happened. The important thing to me is to understand the whole picture and that one action in one country effects the actions in another... like a cause and consequence sort of history telling. That is how our drama teacher used to teach us. It happened sometimes that we sat through a whole lesson where we should have been practising Shakespeare and instead she would tell us the whole cause and effect of something we were all confused about in History or Religion or whatever – and I learned more in those classes than anywhere else because she told it logically and the big deal wasn’t memorising dates but to really understand why things happen the way they do and how they come about. That is the whole point in knowing history. To know roughly the dates is of course important in some ways too but I think that part will come naturally once you get an understanding of what happened.


So! If anyone can find me a book like that, please tell me!!! I have no idea where to even start looking.

Now I’m going to read The Irish Times and try figure out what happened with whole financial crisis – where did all the money go? If everyone is loosing money someone must be getting some more somewhere. Someone must have them… Or were they really just numbers on a screen after all? Like I always said… :)

xh

fortyeight

YEEEEEEEEEES!!!



I got it I got it I got it!!!

fortyseven

Yay this lovely girl (in the middle) just texted me saying she's in town!


I suspected her to be gone forever but meeting for pints later. Nice.

:)

fortysix

Things like this makes me happy:



even if the music is a bit cheesy... :)

fortyfive

I was cleaning my room yesterday.
Getting rid of some ugly clothes and some books I've finished. I was rearranging the furniture and now I have a space to paint. I have an empty canvas waiting for me as well. Happiness :)
Drama class tonight and meeting Lena for coffee before that I think. Nice day.

Feeling better.

x

fortyfour

I try so hard to be here and to stay in focus but everything is blurred and fades out. The sounds tune out and I'm back in my mind, again.


Hey Anxiety! Not so much welcome back... but hey you don't care do you? You just barge in and take up all the place on my couch - getting stains all over it, rob the remote control and eat all the food. Like a guest that overstays its welcome and wont get the hint. I hate you.
and Hey Depression! You're here too! It's almost like a class reunion when you're the one who was bullied and all the time and success in the world doesn't matter because as soon as you walk into that party you're the lonely, stupid, little, ugly and annoying girl that has no friends again.
So what do you guys want? Oh you're going to beat me up again? Depression takes hold of me with his clammy hands while Anxiety hits me in the stomach and Depression whispers in my ear: "They are all going to leave you. Did you think you mattered to anyone? Did you think they really cared about you? Stupid slut. I thought we taught you better than that."
And all I can do is catch my breath and force out through gritted teeth Go away!

To be continued...

fortythree

Fun times in Barcelona...

fortytwo

I'm imploding.

My soul and body are melted into one big grey mass with a desperate "no feeling" except the anticipation of disaster.
I feel like I need to get up on a mountaintop and scream and scream and scream and cry out all this anxiety... with no one to tell me to calm down or comfort me but someone who will let me just scream and be upset. I need to be upset. But there's no room for that right now so it will have to wait.

So I'm sitting here in work... slowly imploding. And that scream will turn inwards and rip up everything in its way.


That's how it feels.

fortyone

If you go through a lot of things in your life... things you have to have strength and courage to get through - will you eventually become cold?

Does your heart grow colder and colder for every time?


Will it eventually shrink into itself and never be able to beat for something again?

It worries me. I don´t ever want to become bitter and coldhearted. How do you find a balance there? Between strength and shutting it all of?

forty

So what can I say... I can't say anything.

thirtynine

One of the most beautiful Swedish songs ever.
Too bad most of you don't understand Swedish...




well I made an attempt at a translation:

you see the other half of the sun as it sets in to the west
I'm sitting here alone, wondering about where things will end up next
with you on the other side of earth, I'm able to find the time for nothing at all
while the night comes, blue cold shadows "falls" around

we could survive whatever comes, we could never say the word no
and what you "trust upon me", I shall "trust upon you"

there is a storm brewing tonight, search and confess
the son of god will come down from the heavens again
you will stand naked in front of the truth, and all the dilemmas of the world

he is going to test your strength
he is going to test your moral

we walk silently the line where summer ends
as teenagers on our way home from yesterdays première
now nothing would ever be like it once was, we were in another league
we could hear the dark waters of autumn roar beneath the bridge

we could survive whatever comes, we could never say the word no
and what you "trust upon me", I shall "trust upon you"

and just now, i got to listen to the trickle of your laugh
and it told me, that you missed me, tonight, I missed you too
it is so silent here in the streets, unusually silent
its like the night have felt it all, and just quietly sings along

an elegy for all the sorrows this fall will be about
for a mother that fell down sick, she never woke again, for the child that never came
for the shadow in the garden where the sun never could shine through

for a silence in-between the walls, that could cut through all cement
two pair of eyes in emptiness from September until advent
for a man who went to work, like nothing happened at all
for the woman who said everything is broken, it's all burnt

an elegy for all the paths we've yet to wander
for a time that passes by, and that will never come again.

we could survive whatever comes, we could never say the word no
and what you "trust upon me", I shall "trust upon you"


Lars WInnerback - Elegi



I'm not sure how I feel. Moody... and silent.

thirtyeight

I went to Antics this week - for the first time in a decade... or a few months anyway!
It was good fun. Ravenheads from Barcelona (one of the guys was born in Sweden though) and Silverio played... It was... interesting. The music was good and Silverio was crazy.
I was wearing my new shiny zipper sweater from AA :) I want more shiny clothes! I want a shiny jumpsuit! A baggy one - with a belt.






Oh yeah someone farted while Silverio was playing and it was disgusting. Why do people always let so bad farts in Antics? What's the story with that?

oh and I'm doing the fashion show. :D

Photos: Johnny McMillan

thirtyseven

I have PMS that makes me feel like - and others think that - I belong in a mental institution.
I went nuts last night and couldn't control my behaviour.
I always try and ruin everything for myself... what's up with that?


I hate hormones and mood swings.

I'm so sorry.

thirtysix

Some more photos from Barcelona. These ones are from Montserrat, a monastery in the mountains about 45 minutes with train from Barcelona.
We "climbed" all the way up to the top where there were some caves where the hermits used to live. I was a little bit scared at the time but not so much... the next couple of days though I had horrible nightmares of falling down the mountain and woke up terrified realising afterwards how dangerous it really was. I mean those caves were really old and they might just fall apart at any time... The cable car was pretty cool as well. I was a bit scared though. My legs were shaking when I got out at the top. In a nice way...







Look how Alex just leans in that fence so relaxed... What if it had just fallen off? It was just a big steep slope behind it and on the bottom - lots of rocks! uuuh I get chilles from seeing that picture...

thirtyfive

I am back from Barcelona and I LOVED IT! Came back early on Friday morning (or late Saturday night - whichever you prefer) to lashing rain, whoo!
I thought I was going to die in a plain crash for about a minute or two because of the turbulence and the shaky and very very fast landing but it went ok.

It is such an amazing place for architecture and people and food. Cigarettes are super cheap and drink as well... it was like 60 cents for a tetra pak of cheap (probably crap) wine in the supermarket... the nicer wines are like 6 euro. I really don't understand why wine has to be so expensive here in Ireland when it's so cheap in Spain... I mean I know it costs a bit more with shipping and stuff but even imported wines in Spain are cheaper. We're being ripped off...

Also I was obsessed with the tomatoes. They taste completely different over there... like sunshine :) Sooo nice. Mmmm

I am currently uploading all my photos and I'll put some up as soon as I can. There is over 300 photos so it's going to take a while.

I stayed in all weekend and I have a cold. Trying to get better for Wednesday now and tonight I have a casting for a fashion show and later on drama class if all goes well. Yay :)



x

thirtyfour

I was reading the Swedish news on Aftonbladet.se. How depressing...

Sverige
Sprang in i dörr - får pengar (13:02)
Kvinna våldtagen i Luleå (12:57)
Kvinna attackerad i lägenhet (12:32)
Åtta dömda i heroinhärva (12:29)
Bättre tider ger gladare bönder (11:29)
Sänkt straff för övergrepp på barn (11:27)
85-åring nekas hjälp av dotter (10:52)
Illegal djurhandel upptäcks inte (10:00)
Katastrofår för svenskt vete (09:39)
Vårdare slängde åldring i golvet (06:45)
Butik sålde smuggeltobak till barn (06:43)
Två dog vid grundstötning (06:38)
Man knivskuren i Köping (06:35)
Drogade pappan före mordet (06:34)
Barn får universitetslektioner (06:27)
Två skadade av 80-gradig vätska (06:26)

I know people reading this that don't understand Swedish will be very confused but I really don't have the energy to translate it all... Basically it's all just really horrible news like rapes and drugs and people that have been killed or hurt in accidents. One says that they have lowered the amount of years you have to be in prison for assaulting kids... Sick!
Ok, one of them is about happy farmers but really... who cares when everything else is crap.

I care too much.

I prefer to get my daily political updates from here: http://punditkitchen.com/

thirtythree

Ok so this is the fourth day in a row that I have woken up with a headache and it's getting very annoying. I think it's the iron supplements I have been taking that is giving me a headache. It's the only explanation I can come up with because I have done everything else I can think of to get rid of it.
So now I have to pick anemic or headache I guess ...No but I'm going to try and get the iron through my regular food as much as possible and hopefully that will be enough.

Yesterday I got my legs and bikini line waxed for Barcelona.
OH MY GOD!!! It hurt so much. I am never ever doing that again!

We are going on Saturday night. I'm really excited to see Barcelona. I have only heard good things about it. We're staying with Rigo the first 2 nights and I'm still trying to find accommodation for the remaining 10 days. Hopefully I'll find something soon.

All the news I had so far...


Here's a photo from Friday last weekend in Hogans:

thirtytwo

outtake 1

///I dreamt last night that it all happened and then we met again like in a fairytale, you were touring and I was a travelling journalist. I must have been like 35. We met in NY and we were falling in love all over again - I thought - and then you showed me pictures of your kids and your wife and I realized it was all too late and I was alone again///

thirtyone

I have a new dress.

thirty

Nobody puts baby in a corner...



I'm going home to cure my sore throat... My immune system is completely out of order. Going to eat loads of vitamins and garlic. Stay away... :P

twentynine

I went to my friend Dairine's (did I spell that right now?) house yesterday to catch up and she got a little puppy! Is he not like the cutest thing ever?






Then I had my first Fibbers experience... was a bit scared at first but I just came for one drink so I left early, but still - so cheap drinks and so funny to look at people. It all reminded me about when I was like 15 and listened to punk rock and I was skateboarding and I wore those crazy clothes... Never dyed my hair pink though... kind of regret that - it's to late now - I would look like a sap.
I must say I felt very tidy and grown up... and a little bit old.

Anyway I had a really good time and I have to say that Dairine's granny is like the sweetest ever. So nice and welcoming. Even though she tried to steal my hat... ;)

twentyeight

Treats from NY in work... Mmm

twentyseven

I finally got around to reading this book... been wanting to for ages.
It's really really good.

Most people have probably read it already but if you haven't - do!

Big Brother is watching you.


Also got around to develop the photos from when my dad was over and from last weekend in Howth. They turned out really good. I love this camera.

twentysix

Flashback/Backflash/Flashback/Backflash

When he said... "I'm like Romeo but I haven't found my Julia" I knew already it wasn't going to work... I mean what kind of person says something like that?

We had spoken on MSN I think. One of my friends had given him my e-mail. Then I let my friends set me up on some sort of date anyway - even though I already knew it was never going to happen. He just joined us all at the Mezz when we went there for drinks one night.

And he came - I saw him, said "Hi" and I turned around to my friends and mouthed "What were you thinking?" when he wasn't looking.
I had just been on a crappy date the week before with another guy and I had told them everything I disliked about that one... I remember it well: He was short - really short. He looked like a little boy. No facial hair at all. He had an annoying high pitched voice. He was insecure and made jokes to cover it up.
I told them all this and still... STILL they set me up with dwarfy there (minus the hair).

I only had to look at this guy once to know that he was definetly shorter than me... he looked like he could be 12 or possibly a girl dressed like a boy. His voice was like a little girl and then when I said I didn't think it was gonna work and didn't want to go out with him again, he got pissed off with me and called me a bitch. Then he said "I thought you were like me. You were gonna be my Julia!" I had had enough of being nice by then and just fled the field.
He hated me for ages.

That was a story from my very short time of dating guys in Dublin. I hate dates and I hope I will never have to go on another one again.

I feel so lucky :)

twentyfive

I saw a photo of Rikard Wolff today and I was thrown back in time... I ran in to him once. (For you guys who don't know - he is a Swedish actor and musician.)

I was in Malmö for a demonstration. this was ages ago! It was a Reclaim the Streets.
It had all gone really well and we were on our way back to the house we were staying in and suddenly some nazi-skinheads were chasing us. We ran for our lives and I ran around a corner into another street and I looked behind me to see if everyone was ok but there was no one there and I ran straight in to Rikard Wolff - who is very tall by the way. It was like running in to a wall. He was like "Are you ok?" or something like that. I just kept running. I had lost my friends and I didn't want to stop until I was in a place with more people - preferably some cops...


Photo: Svenska Dagbladet

But it was pretty funny when I thought about it afterwards.
I looked up and I saw this big smile... He seems nice. I'm sorry I didn't apologize for running in to him.
But if they had caught up with me they probably would have kicked his ass too so in a way I wasn't being rude.

I also ran straight in to Michael Wiehe (Swedish political musician) outside a gig he had. But I wasn't running from anyone that time... I was just being clumpsy.

twentyfour

Good weekend.

Went on a bit of a pub crawl on Friday with Gary. Had way to many cigarettes and felt disgusting the next day - like I was made of tar...



Then I went to Howth on Saturday. Couldn't have been more lucky with the weather...
Fantastic day for it! So pretty.





Yeats used to live here apparently...





Had a very nice veggie burger at some pub and went back into town to meet up with Alex and his workmates at Bull & Castle. Nice.
Was totally wrecked from all the fresh air though... couldn't handle a night out so we went home early.



My Alex had BIG beers... Very manly :)



whoomp whoomp

twentythree

Hihihi

twentytwo

Forgot to put picture up from my birthday.
Best boyfriend ever - gave me cake with 25 candles but I forgot to take photo before we took them out... doesn't matter. Picture in my memory. :)



Couldn't think of what to wish for cuz felt so happy.

Chocolate cake. Very nice one too.

Also went to National Consert Hall. Edith Piaf tribute kind of consert. Very grown up. Very posh. Very romantic.

Love. Love. Love.

twentyone

She's gone back to Sweden. Gonna miss her!

we had lots of fun... will see each other again - Fo Shoo!




Good luck Bettina! :)

twenty

Look how pink I am compared to Rike's nice golden tan... Like a pig. Angry pig.


Ok I need escapades this weekend... will go to Howth and climb mountain. Bring picnic.
Just me. On my own... have wanted to do that for ages! But coincidences always made us cancel plan. Will now have plan just for self and only thing who can stop me is weather.
Will probably run in to millions of loud tourists with my luck... or fall down mountain side - would be improvement really - no no I'm not bitter... it's just that I have no life plan and basically all my friends live in other countries. I don't have a life crisis. I am life crisis.



This is Mao. Tut tut.
Unconditional love you might think but no, he is slut... not my cat... just sucks up to me to get food.

Love him anyway. Tut tut.