fortyfour

I try so hard to be here and to stay in focus but everything is blurred and fades out. The sounds tune out and I'm back in my mind, again.


Hey Anxiety! Not so much welcome back... but hey you don't care do you? You just barge in and take up all the place on my couch - getting stains all over it, rob the remote control and eat all the food. Like a guest that overstays its welcome and wont get the hint. I hate you.
and Hey Depression! You're here too! It's almost like a class reunion when you're the one who was bullied and all the time and success in the world doesn't matter because as soon as you walk into that party you're the lonely, stupid, little, ugly and annoying girl that has no friends again.
So what do you guys want? Oh you're going to beat me up again? Depression takes hold of me with his clammy hands while Anxiety hits me in the stomach and Depression whispers in my ear: "They are all going to leave you. Did you think you mattered to anyone? Did you think they really cared about you? Stupid slut. I thought we taught you better than that."
And all I can do is catch my breath and force out through gritted teeth Go away!

To be continued...

fortythree

Fun times in Barcelona...

fortytwo

I'm imploding.

My soul and body are melted into one big grey mass with a desperate "no feeling" except the anticipation of disaster.
I feel like I need to get up on a mountaintop and scream and scream and scream and cry out all this anxiety... with no one to tell me to calm down or comfort me but someone who will let me just scream and be upset. I need to be upset. But there's no room for that right now so it will have to wait.

So I'm sitting here in work... slowly imploding. And that scream will turn inwards and rip up everything in its way.


That's how it feels.

fortyone

If you go through a lot of things in your life... things you have to have strength and courage to get through - will you eventually become cold?

Does your heart grow colder and colder for every time?


Will it eventually shrink into itself and never be able to beat for something again?

It worries me. I don´t ever want to become bitter and coldhearted. How do you find a balance there? Between strength and shutting it all of?

forty

So what can I say... I can't say anything.

thirtynine

One of the most beautiful Swedish songs ever.
Too bad most of you don't understand Swedish...




well I made an attempt at a translation:

you see the other half of the sun as it sets in to the west
I'm sitting here alone, wondering about where things will end up next
with you on the other side of earth, I'm able to find the time for nothing at all
while the night comes, blue cold shadows "falls" around

we could survive whatever comes, we could never say the word no
and what you "trust upon me", I shall "trust upon you"

there is a storm brewing tonight, search and confess
the son of god will come down from the heavens again
you will stand naked in front of the truth, and all the dilemmas of the world

he is going to test your strength
he is going to test your moral

we walk silently the line where summer ends
as teenagers on our way home from yesterdays première
now nothing would ever be like it once was, we were in another league
we could hear the dark waters of autumn roar beneath the bridge

we could survive whatever comes, we could never say the word no
and what you "trust upon me", I shall "trust upon you"

and just now, i got to listen to the trickle of your laugh
and it told me, that you missed me, tonight, I missed you too
it is so silent here in the streets, unusually silent
its like the night have felt it all, and just quietly sings along

an elegy for all the sorrows this fall will be about
for a mother that fell down sick, she never woke again, for the child that never came
for the shadow in the garden where the sun never could shine through

for a silence in-between the walls, that could cut through all cement
two pair of eyes in emptiness from September until advent
for a man who went to work, like nothing happened at all
for the woman who said everything is broken, it's all burnt

an elegy for all the paths we've yet to wander
for a time that passes by, and that will never come again.

we could survive whatever comes, we could never say the word no
and what you "trust upon me", I shall "trust upon you"


Lars WInnerback - Elegi



I'm not sure how I feel. Moody... and silent.

thirtyeight

I went to Antics this week - for the first time in a decade... or a few months anyway!
It was good fun. Ravenheads from Barcelona (one of the guys was born in Sweden though) and Silverio played... It was... interesting. The music was good and Silverio was crazy.
I was wearing my new shiny zipper sweater from AA :) I want more shiny clothes! I want a shiny jumpsuit! A baggy one - with a belt.






Oh yeah someone farted while Silverio was playing and it was disgusting. Why do people always let so bad farts in Antics? What's the story with that?

oh and I'm doing the fashion show. :D

Photos: Johnny McMillan

thirtyseven

I have PMS that makes me feel like - and others think that - I belong in a mental institution.
I went nuts last night and couldn't control my behaviour.
I always try and ruin everything for myself... what's up with that?


I hate hormones and mood swings.

I'm so sorry.

thirtysix

Some more photos from Barcelona. These ones are from Montserrat, a monastery in the mountains about 45 minutes with train from Barcelona.
We "climbed" all the way up to the top where there were some caves where the hermits used to live. I was a little bit scared at the time but not so much... the next couple of days though I had horrible nightmares of falling down the mountain and woke up terrified realising afterwards how dangerous it really was. I mean those caves were really old and they might just fall apart at any time... The cable car was pretty cool as well. I was a bit scared though. My legs were shaking when I got out at the top. In a nice way...







Look how Alex just leans in that fence so relaxed... What if it had just fallen off? It was just a big steep slope behind it and on the bottom - lots of rocks! uuuh I get chilles from seeing that picture...

thirtyfive

I am back from Barcelona and I LOVED IT! Came back early on Friday morning (or late Saturday night - whichever you prefer) to lashing rain, whoo!
I thought I was going to die in a plain crash for about a minute or two because of the turbulence and the shaky and very very fast landing but it went ok.

It is such an amazing place for architecture and people and food. Cigarettes are super cheap and drink as well... it was like 60 cents for a tetra pak of cheap (probably crap) wine in the supermarket... the nicer wines are like 6 euro. I really don't understand why wine has to be so expensive here in Ireland when it's so cheap in Spain... I mean I know it costs a bit more with shipping and stuff but even imported wines in Spain are cheaper. We're being ripped off...

Also I was obsessed with the tomatoes. They taste completely different over there... like sunshine :) Sooo nice. Mmmm

I am currently uploading all my photos and I'll put some up as soon as I can. There is over 300 photos so it's going to take a while.

I stayed in all weekend and I have a cold. Trying to get better for Wednesday now and tonight I have a casting for a fashion show and later on drama class if all goes well. Yay :)



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