eighteen

I was looking through some old photos and it made me think about something...
I have always wondered why I tend to come in contact with a certain type of people... The ones who have a club for internal admiring.

I think it has to do with my lack of self-confidence - which is better now but still fragile.

This has happened on and off with loads of different groups of people since I started high school basically. It always starts the same... and ends the same.
First I get pulled in by these eccentric and fun people and I feel welcome in their group... I am always welcome but never a certainty if you see what I mean... I always feel like I'm not really integrated but a bit on the outside and I'm always there at their mercy.

You see, what I always forget is that the club for internal admiring also needs someone they can look down on so they can make themselves feel better.
But since I have always looked down on myself I don't realise that this is happening but I try really hard to fit in and I beat myself up about it every time I get a weird look or I don't get invited to come along for something... I always blame myself.

The first time I know the beginning of the end is coming has always been the same... it's always the same pattern. I hear about a party or something that everyone has been at or heard about except for me and when they realize I know about it or I ask they will always say the same thing... "oh it was spontaneous and it's not like we invited anyone - everyone was just there."

Everyone was just there

That is when I know for sure - I was never a part of Everyone



I was never part of the scene/gang/club for internal admiring. Not in any of them.

and I am happy now that I wasn't because seeing it all from a different perspective makes me understand that the little tiny universe the club is consisting of is not really a group of friends who really like each other.

It's a competition.

A competition I've never chosen to enter. Nevertheless I will suddenly be in it... fighting to fit in and to be worthy.

The thing is that the only winners will be the ones who leaves - and makes real friends in the real world. The losers get to stay but they will think that they are winners because in their own little universe no one else matters.

What I do not understand is why you want to be with people who are mean, judgemental and jealous. Friends that act like they are enemies.

I just don't get it. It makes me a bit tired to think of it. So I wont do that any more.



I have to feed my Tamagotchi now. His name is Arthur.

seventeen

I want this dress. It looks fantastic! It's from American Apparell

They don't have it in grey yet though. I'll wait for that.

That was the shallow part, so now to finish it up a bit more deep I'll give you a few lines from one of my favorite songs by Ed Harcourt:

'My heart is on it's sleeve
I need you to believe

That the dark times will fade

And I can't stop staring at you
And your expression looks a little confused
This little story will end so well'

(From "This One's For You")

sixteen

All I want for my Birthday is a cake with 25 candles. It is also on the 25th! How odd... :)


I have never had one of those "blow out all the candles and make a wish" things... All kids should get to do that. After this birthday I think it's safe to say I am not a kid anymore...



bohooo :'(

(no pressure, heh)

fifteen

Today it is 8 years ago since my uncle 'Mats' died from a brain tumor.

He was sick for so long... they said he had only 1 year to live but he hung in there for 2 more years.
My mothers older brother. He was such a nice person. Just genuinely good ...and funny!
When they were kids he used to tell my mom that the posters in his room would loose all their colour if she looked at them too much... pranks and good music was his thing.

He left three daughters behind when he died. Marit, Victoria and Sanne. They are so beautiful and they seem so happy these days. I will never forget the outcry from Sanne (the youngest one) when they all came in to the hospital to say goodbye to their father. To his body. When we told them he had died ...that expression in their eyes. I will never ever forget.
I hope they still remember him as he was before he got sick and that they still talk about him sometimes. I haven't seen them - I think - since the funeral.

I'll go visit next year, they are old enough now to make decisions of their own and to choose who they want to see. :)

I don't have a photo of all of them but here is one I got from Sanne:



So pretty. :)

fourteen

This is Bjorn. My bear. He came with me to Ireland.




Once when I was 5 years old me and my dad went on holidays to the north of Sweden. I left him behind in a mall. My dad had to call the owner of the mall who luckily was a friend of his cousin so we could go and get it. I couldn't sleep without it.

I've never left him behind since...


...For some reason basically all guys I've ever introduced to Bjorn have either done the following themselves or they have taken one of my other bears I had back in Sweden - and then pretended that they were fucking Bjorn from behind... Why does all guys feel the need to do this to stuffed toys? I don't get it!

thirteen

A photo of a photo does not turn out so good... oh well



Leah is coming for Electric Picnic! I have a ticket now.

She arrives on my birthday - or the night to my birthday... :)


I'm having nightmares about getting old. This never used to bother me before. Why am I being so silly about it?
I might just have a 25 crisis and get a red sports car and a hot younger woman with fake boobs.

twelve

Read the news?

Nah...

eleven

I have a sofa from MIO in my mothers apartment in Sweden and now she wants me to put it somewhere else! She doesn't want it taking up space there anymore. It's sort of like the one in the picture but beige and a bit bigger.



The best thing about is that it's so deep! Like a big bed. It doesn't really show in the picture (it's not exactly it) but it's an amazing piece of furniture.

I don't know what to do now because I'm not sure when or if I will move back to Sweden and it would cost a fortune to ship it over to me.
Also: Where the fuck would I put it? My room here is tiny!
Storage in Sweden is so expensive and what if I never move back?
The best solution would be to find someone that could borrow it for a while but I don't want it wrecked and the only one I can think of who would be interested has a dog. So not an option really...

I am going to have to sell it. I'm really sad about it. I know it's "just a piece of furniture" but I really L O V E this sofa! I will never find one like it again.

If anyone has got any ideas for other solutions please let me know!

This is such an "i-landsproblem" as we say in Sweden.
and I'm a neurotic person... I know...

ten

I had this dream right, I was walking up a driveway and the door of the house I was walking towards moved away from me all the time. It moved so far away that it turned into a corridor inside the house. So I stopped - and the door stopped.
Then I walked towards it again and the door was still for a bit. It looked at me and then it jumped away suddenly - much like a stray cat who is suspicious and edgy and doesn't know if it's gonna trust you or not.

It felt like it went on for ages. I wonder what that means...

nine

So... my friend Dairina was in Thailand and this is one of her pictures:



I am so jealous! She got to pet a tiger!

The closest wild animal encounter I have ever had was when I threw up on a dolphin in The Dominican Republic.

I was sea-sick. Not drunk.




and I am so going to hell for that...

eight

Ok I wrote this blog on my old blog on my space ages ago...

But today I read a blog by a Swedish girl who's name is Hanna Fridén that was about the same thing so I got to thinking about it again.

I know I said more photos and less text but for this one time I think I'll ignore my own promise...

"Ok I'm really pissed off now. I hate medical companies!

I just read this article about an implanon (birth control thing) for men. It's in Swedish so I'll try translate and explain as best I can...

Basically this company Organon have done research for years and they found a way to stop the sperm production by using a certain hormone. The disadvantage is that the desire and sometimes the erection decreases or disappears. But there is a solution. With the help of injections, patches or gels with testosterone -potency would be unchanged.

But despite the fact that the method works, it is not on the market. The Medical company Organon has for several years tested implanon of men in major international studies. Richard Lindgren, medical director of the company, explains that the men had a normal sexlife, that they did not produce sperm and got back fertility afterwards. So what is it that prevents them from getting it out on the market?

" The problem is that customers do not want this. There is no market for it. And we can not produce a product that nobody wants."

The reason the men stated that they were not interested in the methodology was that it may take three to nine months before the sperm comes back after the treatment ended. But several contraceptives for women have the exact same adverse reaction - and they are already on the market!

If contraception should be approved as a medicine - more study would be needed of possible side effects. But Organon has stopped their tests and ended the project and does not plan to reopen it.

... all I can say is bullshit!

I have never heard of this before and I don't know any guys who have either so who have they asked?

I hate this fuckin finance driven world where everything is about making a profit.

If women knew about this and men knew about it and the alternative was there - out there on the market. - I'll eat my hat if women all over the world wouldn't say "Right, I've done my time with having my mood messed up, my sexdrive down to nothing, getting acne, headaches and all the other side-effects. It's the boys turn now..."

Or at least we should have the choice. If the woman get's horrible side effects or is allergic maybe the guy can do it instead - and the other way around.

I bet you that this company Organon's board has at least 90% men on it.

I'm gonna do something about this. It's fucked up.

Here's the link to the article for the people that can read in Swedish:

http://www.aftonbladet.se/kvinna/article2669036.ab

seven

Meneo was playing in The Button Factory last week.

It was pretty fuckin deadly...



I have some naked pictures from the gig as well... haven't decided yet if I will put them up...

six

"Ballina, Ballina, what'ya gonna do, what'ya gonna do when they come for you?"













This weekend was great. We all went to Ballina in Co. Mayo.















We took the bus from Dublin to Ballina on Saturday and then we got a ride with some other people to Ballycastle and Healy's Pub where we spent the weekend at Healy fest.

















and they said... let there be a "petrolstation", 2 pubs. 2 small shops. No deli, no chinese, no supermarket, no nothing.


Only beer, bread, potatoes and nature. Just as god had intended it ;)





and music...

lots of music






















Session!













Not to shabby...