eighteen

I was looking through some old photos and it made me think about something...
I have always wondered why I tend to come in contact with a certain type of people... The ones who have a club for internal admiring.

I think it has to do with my lack of self-confidence - which is better now but still fragile.

This has happened on and off with loads of different groups of people since I started high school basically. It always starts the same... and ends the same.
First I get pulled in by these eccentric and fun people and I feel welcome in their group... I am always welcome but never a certainty if you see what I mean... I always feel like I'm not really integrated but a bit on the outside and I'm always there at their mercy.

You see, what I always forget is that the club for internal admiring also needs someone they can look down on so they can make themselves feel better.
But since I have always looked down on myself I don't realise that this is happening but I try really hard to fit in and I beat myself up about it every time I get a weird look or I don't get invited to come along for something... I always blame myself.

The first time I know the beginning of the end is coming has always been the same... it's always the same pattern. I hear about a party or something that everyone has been at or heard about except for me and when they realize I know about it or I ask they will always say the same thing... "oh it was spontaneous and it's not like we invited anyone - everyone was just there."

Everyone was just there

That is when I know for sure - I was never a part of Everyone



I was never part of the scene/gang/club for internal admiring. Not in any of them.

and I am happy now that I wasn't because seeing it all from a different perspective makes me understand that the little tiny universe the club is consisting of is not really a group of friends who really like each other.

It's a competition.

A competition I've never chosen to enter. Nevertheless I will suddenly be in it... fighting to fit in and to be worthy.

The thing is that the only winners will be the ones who leaves - and makes real friends in the real world. The losers get to stay but they will think that they are winners because in their own little universe no one else matters.

What I do not understand is why you want to be with people who are mean, judgemental and jealous. Friends that act like they are enemies.

I just don't get it. It makes me a bit tired to think of it. So I wont do that any more.



I have to feed my Tamagotchi now. His name is Arthur.